Emotional Pain of separation and divorce

Hi Donna,
It was nice to “Bump into you” yesterday at the Home School Conference. I was there to help friends at their table.

The Family Business Books are practically done. I was able to return the Laptop I had to rent to finish the work. ($189 a month !! ) The Tax Audotor did not complete my ex-husband’s T4 correctly, and will not re-open the audit to make the corrections. So it means I may have to locate and undo 3 days worth of work, so he has the advantage of claiming the expenses on his tax return. I do everything with high integrity and he doesn’t trust me. So, eh;ping him in spite of his attitude toward me gives me a lump in my gut. However, I am praying and asking God what I could do instead that would give me the same result, without having to spend so much time in an emotionally painful place.  Until then, I still have to face this emotionally difficult situation.
 
Then I need the information from the those Books to prepare our Separation Agreement. It is so emotional! I can’t trust the lawyer with it. Last time he did a draft, there were several mistakes. And I had to pay for his time. A friend has offered to allow me to work on this at her office. While there, they can keep me in prayer and in a spiritually bright environment. I hope this hurries things along.
 
I am still suffering from nervousness, anxiety. Last week, my mother called and criticised me about something, and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I fell to the floor weeping, stomach wretching, and my daughters could not console me for several hours. Please keep me in your prayers also.
 
That’s all for now.
 
Thanks for caring.
 
Love,
Diana

Memorization builds brain skills

This week, I released the first of several Memorization CD’s I plan to offer. Memorization of chunks of information is a lost art. Not taught in schools anymore, it has left Society as a whole with weakened memorization storage and retrieval skills, both in long-term and short-term memory. Aging boomers are being diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s due to memory loss. And we have recently learned that the brain is like a muscle, and we can exercise memory skills to keep them strong long into our old age. I was at one of Canada’s largest Home School Conferences yesterday, and my work was well received. The entire Exhibit Hall had nothing of the sort. They only offered Bible Verse Memorization set to tunes, for children to use. I will offer larger chunks like the 23rd Psalm (released) The Ten Commandments, The Lord’s Prayer, The Beatitudes, and 1Cor.13, The Love Chapter. Then we will go on to Psalm 91 and some chapters of Proverbs. I am hoping this will ease some of the financial stress in the near future.

In the meantime, I keep checking email to see if I have heard from you regarding the voice clips I sent.  I know you are a busy husband and father, so if you haven’t had a chance to listen, that’s okay. But if you have, I would love to hear back from you. I have been (almost) holding my breath waiting to hear your feedback.

www.dianamurdoch.com    Click on Memory Skills to download a sample clip.

God is awesome. Some days I feel like I am walking on water, eyes on Jesus. Other days I battle the waves, sinking, until I can get my eyes back on Him. Peter was such a “human”, and I thank God for his examples.  I really need the Lord to make my Legal/Family paperwork easier than I think it is. To me it seems like a huge burden, but maybe God will make it like touching the hem of His garment, and receiving my needs met. Please keep me in your prayers, and perhaps “At the Altar”.
 

Stand Up and Shine

Father was on the platform. He was being interviewed in front a huge audience. The stadium was packed, and everyone was quiet. They wanted to know who had created that incredible artwork. It had been the buzz of the town for days. For some unknown reason, everyone who looked at this work was deeply blessed. For each viewer received a meaning from it that was personal to them. Fathers eyes scanned the stands. The cameras scanned the stands. Then Fathers gaze stopped at a blond young man, hunched in his seat, trying not to be found by a million eyes.

“My son created this work. He is gifted, talented with something that can touch people. His gift is powerful, precious and priceless.” The crowd cheered wildly, and the son slunk down in his seat.

Don’t shrink away from greatness. It is within you. I want to shine the light on you. You have what it takes to be worthy of the attention. I made you worthy already. All you have to do is stand up, and let my lght fall on you. Stand up, and walk into the greatness I have for you. Don’t fear it, for I am alongside you. Stand up. Let them see what God has placed in you.

www.dianamurdoch.com  is where I am standing up.

www.carolannsjewel.com  is where I shine. Thank you for visiting these sites.

Memorial to God’s Provision

It has been 6 days now since the heat stopped in my house. It was last Friday, and I wasn’t going to call a heating contractor on the weekend. The rates would be robbery. I am a single parent on a limited income. By Monday, we had gotten used to living in 16 degrees on sunny days, and 14 by night. I heated the bedroom, where we “camped”. So I proceeded to “ask around” for - well for somebody who knows somebody who can light my pilot light! I called Terry who thought Darren could help. Darren said only a licenced gas fitter should do this and referred me to Kevin. Turns out Kevin is not available. Next day I try Joh. He says to call Darren or Kevin. Ahhhh. Done that. Didn’t work. He was perlexed, and worried. He called three times in the last two days asking if anyone had come. In the mean time, I was asking God to help us out. Should I just bite the bullet and spend the $150 on the repair? How will I get food and other needs met then, Oh Lord? I waited. Joh called again. It was going to get cold this Easter Weekend. may as much as 10 or 15 degrees below zero. Brrr. Still no heat? No. Tonight - day 6 - I prayed with my dear friend, Sue, and trusted God for the needed help. Then Joh called - and oh my goodness! Here is my update for Sue.

*

Ah Lord God, Thou hast made the heavens and the Earth by Thy great power, and by Thy right hand!
Nothing is too difficult for Thee! Oh, Great and Mighty God, great in power and mighty in deed,
Nothing, absolutely nothing, is too difficult for Thee!!

Hallelujah - the furnace is running!!

The sensors were dirty and told the gas that there was no flame. So the gas had shut off! Luis cleaned the sensors, and got the furnace going. He found a worn belt and showed Joh how he can replace it once I get the part for cheap at Canadian Tire.

Sue, I am so blessed. God is taking care of me. Here’s what happened. Joh knew we were without heat. He tried to contact Darren and Kevin to no avail. Tonight at church, a guy came up to him from across the sanctuary and said he felt he needed to know what Joh does for a living. Joh says - renovations. Luis says - electrical? Joh says - no. Luis says - gas? Joh says - no. Luis says, - gee thats what I do. I am a gas fitter…. Joh lit up like a rocketship and said - hey - I know why you came to tell me that!! I have this friend…..

Ah Lord God, nothing is too difficult for Thee!!

Thank you Jesus!

Tiny Steps

Today, I wrote to Lifespring to ask if they email out a daily devotional. I got a reply from Steve Webb, who runs the podcasting. His answer - Our gracious and loving Heavenly Father, I lift up my sister Diana to you right now and ask that You take special attention to her. Lord, please, in Jesus’ loving name, give her the strength she needs right now. Lord, help her to feel Your presence and Your peace. Give her wisdom and direction. Enfold her, Lord, in Your loving arms. May Your presence be just so strong in her life right now, Lord. Encourage her. Bring a new joy to her heart. Help her through this trial, Lord. I pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.

In Him, Steve

So I went to the Lifespring site to look for a remedy for my malaise. I read is testimony and find that he actually asked God, “what more can I do for you?” Here I am too Lord, Diana, asking - “what more can I do for you?” I know a few things - I need a reason to rise earlier. I think I need to volunteer somewhere. I also know that I need to make BIG connections. I see myself as unimportant. But I desire to be a person of influence. So I will need to connect with persons of influence. Casey always told us to “get around” people who are where you want to get to. People who are already succeeding at things you also want to be successful at. Mentors? Uhuh.

Worship is a place of refuge when you are hurting. 

Oh, to walk deeply in Your way, again. Restore unto me, the joy of my salvation, oh God!

“Later” is here

I am really worried. I have watched you do many foolish things. Now, as your last year unfolds before me in bank statements and cancelled cheques, I worry again. Many times I told you, “You cannot do this. Stop this activity. This will be trouble”. You always ignored my warnings. “Yeah, whatever. You can make it go away.” No, I can’t, I thought. I can push things around, but I can’t make them go away. You can enjoy it now and pay for it later, but “later” has arrived. I can’t do anything to save you from the consequences of your choices anymore. I wish I could, but I can’t. You created a barrier between us that I cannot climb. And now I am stuck here, knowing that hardship and suffering are coming your way, a great tsunami that I cannot stop.

To the Young Woman in My Heart of Hearts

I weep. My hot tears rush down my cheeks and drip from my chin. I ache. I love you. How can I help you? I watch you, day by day, weaving your way through life, always on the move, afraid to sit still long enough to feel. To feel anything. But wait! You are moving the wrong way. I shout. I can help! I know something! I can see a better way. Please! I wail, knowing that my wisdom falls on deaf ears and a hard heart. Everywhere you go, you smash into things. Hard things. Hurtful things. Horrible things. Situations that burn you, sear you, break you, make you cry and wail and weep. Times that confuse you, people that betray you, a world that can’t see you, but ruthlessly uses you up anyway. I can’t stand it anymore. I love you! I can’t stand to see you this way! I wail louder. I add thunder to my voice as I try to stop you from racing into pain one more time. The thunder rolls everywhere. You don’t know that all my love is wrapped up in the thunder. You don’t know that the thundering voice is my most fervent attempt to save you from another horrible, hurtful situation. I love you - I love you! I shout. You run away from my thunder. Is it because you just can’t believe that anyone could love you so much? Believe it! Believe it! Yes! I LOVE YOU. I want to hold you. I want to kiss your tears away and give you a splendid life, one day at a time. One minute at a time. I curl up into a sobbing ball, because you wouldn’t receive my love. - - - I watch from a distance. I see you go down again, into another dark place. You glance over your shoulder, hoping I won’t see you. But I see you . . . I close my cloak around my shoulders, shuddering as I feel the cold that surrounds you. I can’t go there. I already escaped from there once. Long ago. I won’t go back. The price is too high. Now it’s up to you. You have to see Truth. Only when you see Truth will you have the key that will set you free too. Desire Truth. Desire Wisdom. Desire Freedom. You CAN have them. I can wait for you, here. Come back to me. To Warmth. To Light. To Love. To Truth. You can do it. Just take one step. One little step. One step at a time. And then another. Have hope. I’ll be here. I won’t abandon you. I’ll be here. I promise. Because I love you.

Heidi teaches Mom to bake…..

Heidi was about three when we were in the kitchen, baking. Her blond curls bounced as she climbed onto the chair, next to the counter where she was watching the mixing bowl. She knew it was her job to add ingredients after mummy carefully measured them out. She had learned to add them slowly, so the flour didn’t make us cough. She knew that things went into the oven to bake, and she knew that she had to share the last spoonfuls of sweet, sticky dough with her older brother, Stephen, who was already standing in the kitchen doorway.

Today, I was trying a new recipe, something called “icebox cookies”. After all the ingredients were in the bowl, Heidi and I each took a teaspoon and dropped little piles onto the slippery cookie sheet. I deftly pushed the edges together, then I slipped the tray into the refrigerator. An hour should do it, I thought. Heidi and I washed up the bowls, she dutifully shared the mixing spoon with her brother, and I waited.

Every now and then, I peeked into the fridge to see if the cookies were firming up enough to bake. I was not too happy with the results. Had we added too much milk? Did we plop them too close together? They looked a little runny, and their edges were already touching. Should I wait a little longer?

Before long, Heidi popped into the kitchen to see about the cookies too. I opened the refridgerator door, and squatted down so Heidi and I could both inspect them together.

“I don’t know honey” I mused. “What do you think?”

Matter-of-factly, my three year old shook her head. Then she answered, ” I t’ink you should put dem in dare,” and she threw a glance at the waiting, warm oven.

I laughed, amazed that one so little and so adorable was already so bright, and such a blazing, joyous light in my world. I popped that tray into the oven, and the cookies ended up just perfect.

Time flies, and little Heidi’s grow up. We haven’t baked together for a long time, but I have noticed that she is still a practical, observant person who tells it like it is.